just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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