I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
