is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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