my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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