all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
