Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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