your room smells of hookers.
And success
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You ruined the universe
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