matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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