i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
