What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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