my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
