There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
