it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
