I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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