OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
