The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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