we have pet lesbian snakes
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
