Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
