highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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