oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
