Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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