blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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