I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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