dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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