1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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