i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
