I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
