Michael Bay diarrhea
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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