whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
