Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
