I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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