I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
