I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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