It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
