Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
