i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It's like God shit irony all over that family
My balls are so social today.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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