It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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