Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I look better un-naked...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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