y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
