hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Randomize
