My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
