I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
