Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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