I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
