How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
