see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
