The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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