i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
