That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
