Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
