2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
