I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
