he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
